A step closer - into detachment

I can see the wisdom of T I M E and how beneficial it is to my ability to be able to detach from other people's difficulties. I realize too that I'm okay with taking care of my needs after all of those years of taking care of others and putting myself last.....It's time.

This came crystal clear to me when I received another letter from my son who is currently in confinement as a result of his abuse of privileges within the correctional institution. This particular letter was not much different than any other previous ones with the usual "please do this for me" "please arrange for my stuff to be delivered to your house" etc etc. There was also mentions of dismissing my suggestion toward getting into a long term treatment center when he is released, instead he states that he would prefer to look for work and be homeless for a while while he saves up money for an apartment. Also that he wants to come back to our area because he is familiar with the surroundings (didn't he hear about people, places and things?) and because we won't be around much longer (helllloooo, I'm not even 60 yet) and that he wants to spend as much time with us as possible before we die!

I've since replied to his requests and have expressed that he needs to stop looking to us to take care of his stuff....we've picked up stuff, delivered stuff, made phone calls about stuff and on and on it went for one time too many. I think that it's high time he takes care of his stuff and might as well get into practice doing it by himself as we're not going to be around forever.

Don't really know how he's reacting to this late news but that's not my problem at this point. I would bet that he's not even surprised about this either. One thing that I know for certain and that is....he is very resourceful and usually he is able to get what he needs when he wants it.....if we are not 'it', he usually finds others.

I actually feel relieved that I've finally stated it so clearly as in the past I always tried to soft pedal it with the idea of minimizing the discomforts that he seems to surrounds himself with.....as if I had any control over any of it.

More to be revealed....for sure.

Life's eternal cycle

Where does it begin - where does it end? Life is forever evolving and I'm learning to go with the flow.

On the upside - I will become a grandmother tomorrow and I never imagined in my wildest dreams to be able to already feel love for this little guy that I have yet to meet. I am especially looking forward to see my son's eyes as he looks on his own son....he will now experience how it feels to be a parent and how that love is unparalleled to any other.

On the ongoing side....up and down the roller coaster of the ism of addiction for my younger son....he was making good stride with good behaviors and had been moved to a work release center. He had found a job that he was happy about and good at - only to jeopardize it all by shoplifting on his way to work. What was he thinking.....or should I say not thinking! I would think that if I was serving time for stealing - that would be an experience that I would not want to repeat.....it just doesn't make sense to me.

I've read much about the subject of inmates becoming 'used' to being incarcerated.....with no decisions to make, no responsibilities of getting a job, keeping a job, making ends meets while balancing a budget - staying out of harms way etc etc....that i think the more they become a repeat offender the more difficult it becomes for them to have success on the outside as it just becomes easier to be confined within those walls, have a regimented schedule and not having to worry where your next meal is coming from and where you will sleep at night.....with plenty of time within that environment, it eventually becomes their 'normal'.

It is heartbreaking to think that my son's adult life has already had 2 bouts of prison time and he's only 26. It feels harsh too that I need to stay detached from this situation and to let him figure it all out when he is released. I've been down the road of picking him up and setting him up one time too many and now he'll have to find his own way. I am seeing the wisdom behind the fact that what I did in the past didn't work and I would be foolish if I repeated the same mistakes and expected a different result.....as someone said in another blog...SSDD = same shit different day.

I do have choices - I choose peace and love.

Happy Fathers Day!

Today is a day that I reflect upon - on many different levels.

First I looked at my childhood and tried to recall any Sundays in my life time that involved being together as a family with my father being present - how sad that I can't recall any of them. You see my dad was active in his alcohol addiction and spent many, many hours away from home and when he did come home....my mom spent a whole lot of time taking his inventory and doing so loudly enough for the whole neighborhood to hear. I was not very happy living there and couldn't wait for the time when I would become an adult and be able to fly away....which I did.
Don't get me wrong, I loved my dad and love my mom and to this day I continue to hold found loving thoughts for him. He's been gone now for over 20 years and his face is in my memory producing warm feelings......I tend to turn to him when I am struggling with thoughts of my son and his current path and I also turn to him with loving thoughts when special days comes around - such as today.

Then I look at my husband and how he was present for our two sons as they were growing up....playing with them every weekend and participating from the time they were born with the feedings, cleanings and what not. Then I wonder what thoughts my sons have over the memories of their childhood and whether they took those for granted or whether they appreciate that they were able to spend time with their dad.....In a way and from my point of view - it is relative in a way.

And further more, our oldest son is about to become a father within the next 30 days or so and I am holding warm feelings when I think of him and the love he will experience for this new little bundle ..... in the process experiencing what parenthood is all about. I know that he will be a great father - his heart is grand and generous in every way.

Then - as the itty bitty shitty committe would have it - the thoughts of my youngest son comes to mind too and i wonder...and wonder....and wonder....whether there  will ever be one of those days taking place in his life. Since becoming an adult, his life has been anything but simple or "normal" - well, normal in my own book of life I guess. He's to be released from prison in a few months and life will be right there and personal....and I wonder where this will take him this time with no money, no friend.....lack of jobs everywhere and a very long rap sheet.


So, I pray and send some wishes up to my dad and ask him to help my son and to show him the way to go.

 

Perception

Got a nice letter this morning from my son. It certainly gave me an itch to share.
It's amazing that even though he is in prison at the moment and has been for more months than I care to count, how thankful he can be and it awes me that he is able to see the positive in his situation. I am happy and it warms my heart to read this in his letters.
He was vague but succinct in expressing that he has many good things happening right now and that they will all connect at some point and he looks forward to sharing them with us when we talk next.
Well....my thoughts right away takes me to what I would like to hear about his positive news....things such as.....I plan on going to a l/t treatment or 1/2 way house when I am released and go forward, turn my life around. These thoughts and hearing those words would surely make me happy and would also alleviate some of the tremors that I feel when I wonder what he will do when that time comes. At the same time and as a result of me working my program....I realize that my thoughts and my dreams have nothing to do with my son's thoughts and dreams.....and that I need to remember that. His positive news may have nothing to do with what he will do when he is released .
Darn, being codependent and caring for an addicted loved one is no walk in the park.....but nevertheless....I am glad that he is feeling joy and sharing it.

Today - another layer

I haven't been writing lately as there wasn't much going on.....lots of little things which kept me busy and generally on a happy plane.

Then, the things that usually causes me to reflect deeper and that makes me feel raw emotions resurfaced. It seems not to matter how far along into my program I am because time and time again I am reminded that I am human with feelings to face, situations to cope with and solutions which are not always mine to figure out.....hence searching for the wisdom to know, well....not really to know but rather to accept the unacceptable.

My son had been doing well in his work release center and was progressing forward and I found myself holding on to that appearance of him moving in the right direction. Out of the blue, he was assaulted by another and ended up being sent to a 'reception' center where they held him in confinement until their investigation was satisfactory.

He ended up spending a month there and his classification officer assured him that he would return to a work release center when it was all clear. On Friday two buses came to his unit - one heading to a w.r.center and the other to a prison....he shared with us how depressed he was when they made him board the bus heading to the prison facility. He called us later that night and he wanted us to come for a visit to help boost his moral.

I talked with my husband and we decided to make the trip. And today was the day. As usual, it left me feeling numb.....I don't know how many jail/prison/work camp/ work release center that I have visited so far as I've lost count and don't care to sit down to figure it out either....but every time that I go there - I hate, hate, hate, to be within that environment. 

I can usually go about my days - carrying on with my life and keep busy and find joy in many things that I do on a daily basis - however this is the one wound that seems to reopen when I am visiting....the reality that his life as an adult has been mostly spent behind bars. Today was hard too....listening to the threats that he encounters in this particular facility as well as the sexual advances that he is getting and to be surrounded by the people who have committed crimes which have earned them 25+ years.

I am not that naive and do realize that people do time for crimes that they have committed and my son is suffering the natural consequences of his actions - time and time again.....and today I ache for the son whom I dreamed of while he was growing up to become a healthy and successful man.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will make it....another layer at a time.

Leap Day

Ha! Such an appropriate day and/or title, as it has been a while since I came over here and sat down to write. I've had issues trying to figure out how to keep this blog following the opening of my gmail account and merge the two, however it frustrated me enough to stay away.....for whatever reason....today I felt the need to write and made my way over without much fuss or fanfare. "Where there's a will, there's a way"! Actually, I think it's more in the way of "If it's meant to be it will happen".

Anyhoo....it's true that I didn't have much to write about but now some things are in the back of my mind and of course that itty bitty shitty committee is having it's own meeting even when I close that door and go to other rooms and try to shift the focus.

It bothers me - the not knowing part, though not as much as it used to - and that's a good thing.

I've received notice over the weekend  that my son has been moved/removed from his w.r. center. So it didn't take me long to form speculations ......
1. He messed up and broke the rules and since this place was a 'no second' chance place - he lost his privileges and all the opportunities that had been put forth before him.
2. He lossed his newly acquired job - a requirement of living within that facility. He loved that job and found it challenging and interesting - though since he called me 4 times while on company time - I'm thinking they didn't like that very much. Heck....I certainly could understand this because as an employer I've instructed my employees that when they came to work it was to work and not to keep up with social life on my time block. Since he called home 4 times - I can imagine that he was calling others as well.

The rules don't seem to apply to him - he disregard them as if it's a joke and/or it doesn't matter....yet, time and time again - he gets caught for breaking them. I feel that when he's truly and honestly ready for a change then he'll do things differently.....in the mean time.....he gets to experience the natural consequences of his actions.

Then yesterday, out of the blue, I get a link from one of my friend....asking me if I had heard of the article she was sharing with me. The article stated that the w.r.center that my son had been at was due to close at the end of March because of lack of funding. Ummm.....so, I'm thinking......did I jump the gun here again with my assumptions of negative actions??  Perhaps the facility is slowly releasing it's members into the reception unit and they will be relocated elsewhere.

Another lesson for me in this.....and that is to remember that "no news is no news" and just to go with the flow. More is always revealed and I need to keep my "Helping" reading in the forefront.....first and foremost. "I will have no thought for the future actions of others, neither expecting them to be better or worse as time goes on, for in such expectations I am really trying to create. I will love and let be. All people are always changing. If I try to judge them, I do so only on what I think I know of them, failing to realize that there is much I do not know. I will give others credit for attempts at progress and for having had many victories which are unknown. I, too, am always changing, and I can make that change a constructive one, if I am willing. I can change myself. Others, I can only love."

Thinking like a butterfly

Monday I was told I was good.
I felt relieved.
Tuesday I was ignored.
I felt invisible.
Wednesday I was snapped at.
I began to doubt myself.
On Thursday I was rejected.
Now I was afraid.
On Saturday I was thanked
for being me. My soul relaxed.
On Sunday I was left alone
till the part of me that can’t
be influenced grew tired of
submitting and resisting.
Monday I was told I was good.
By Tuesday I got off the wheel.
by Mark Nepo