I haven't been writing lately as there wasn't much going on.....lots of little things which kept me busy and generally on a happy plane.
Then, the things that usually causes me to reflect deeper and that makes me feel raw emotions resurfaced. It seems not to matter how far along into my program I am because time and time again I am reminded that I am human with feelings to face, situations to cope with and solutions which are not always mine to figure out.....hence searching for the wisdom to know, well....not really to know but rather to accept the unacceptable.
My son had been doing well in his work release center and was progressing forward and I found myself holding on to that appearance of him moving in the right direction. Out of the blue, he was assaulted by another and ended up being sent to a 'reception' center where they held him in confinement until their investigation was satisfactory.
He ended up spending a month there and his classification officer assured him that he would return to a work release center when it was all clear. On Friday two buses came to his unit - one heading to a w.r.center and the other to a prison....he shared with us how depressed he was when they made him board the bus heading to the prison facility. He called us later that night and he wanted us to come for a visit to help boost his moral.
I talked with my husband and we decided to make the trip. And today was the day. As usual, it left me feeling numb.....I don't know how many jail/prison/work camp/ work release center that I have visited so far as I've lost count and don't care to sit down to figure it out either....but every time that I go there - I hate, hate, hate, to be within that environment.
I can usually go about my days - carrying on with my life and keep busy and find joy in many things that I do on a daily basis - however this is the one wound that seems to reopen when I am visiting....the reality that his life as an adult has been mostly spent behind bars. Today was hard too....listening to the threats that he encounters in this particular facility as well as the sexual advances that he is getting and to be surrounded by the people who have committed crimes which have earned them 25+ years.
I am not that naive and do realize that people do time for crimes that they have committed and my son is suffering the natural consequences of his actions - time and time again.....and today I ache for the son whom I dreamed of while he was growing up to become a healthy and successful man.
Tomorrow is a new day and I will make it....another layer at a time.