Monday, July 23, 2012

A step closer - into detachment

I can see the wisdom of T I M E and how beneficial it is to my ability to be able to detach from other people's difficulties. I realize too that I'm okay with taking care of my needs after all of those years of taking care of others and putting myself last.....It's time.

This came crystal clear to me when I received another letter from my son who is currently in confinement as a result of his abuse of privileges within the correctional institution. This particular letter was not much different than any other previous ones with the usual "please do this for me" "please arrange for my stuff to be delivered to your house" etc etc. There was also mentions of dismissing my suggestion toward getting into a long term treatment center when he is released, instead he states that he would prefer to look for work and be homeless for a while while he saves up money for an apartment. Also that he wants to come back to our area because he is familiar with the surroundings (didn't he hear about people, places and things?) and because we won't be around much longer (helllloooo, I'm not even 60 yet) and that he wants to spend as much time with us as possible before we die!

I've since replied to his requests and have expressed that he needs to stop looking to us to take care of his stuff....we've picked up stuff, delivered stuff, made phone calls about stuff and on and on it went for one time too many. I think that it's high time he takes care of his stuff and might as well get into practice doing it by himself as we're not going to be around forever.

Don't really know how he's reacting to this late news but that's not my problem at this point. I would bet that he's not even surprised about this either. One thing that I know for certain and that is....he is very resourceful and usually he is able to get what he needs when he wants it.....if we are not 'it', he usually finds others.

I actually feel relieved that I've finally stated it so clearly as in the past I always tried to soft pedal it with the idea of minimizing the discomforts that he seems to surrounds himself if I had any control over any of it.

More to be revealed....for sure.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Life's eternal cycle

Where does it begin - where does it end? Life is forever evolving and I'm learning to go with the flow.

On the upside - I will become a grandmother tomorrow and I never imagined in my wildest dreams to be able to already feel love for this little guy that I have yet to meet. I am especially looking forward to see my son's eyes as he looks on his own son....he will now experience how it feels to be a parent and how that love is unparalleled to any other.

On the ongoing side....up and down the roller coaster of the ism of addiction for my younger son....he was making good stride with good behaviors and had been moved to a work release center. He had found a job that he was happy about and good at - only to jeopardize it all by shoplifting on his way to work. What was he thinking.....or should I say not thinking! I would think that if I was serving time for stealing - that would be an experience that I would not want to just doesn't make sense to me.

I've read much about the subject of inmates becoming 'used' to being incarcerated.....with no decisions to make, no responsibilities of getting a job, keeping a job, making ends meets while balancing a budget - staying out of harms way etc etc....that i think the more they become a repeat offender the more difficult it becomes for them to have success on the outside as it just becomes easier to be confined within those walls, have a regimented schedule and not having to worry where your next meal is coming from and where you will sleep at night.....with plenty of time within that environment, it eventually becomes their 'normal'.

It is heartbreaking to think that my son's adult life has already had 2 bouts of prison time and he's only 26. It feels harsh too that I need to stay detached from this situation and to let him figure it all out when he is released. I've been down the road of picking him up and setting him up one time too many and now he'll have to find his own way. I am seeing the wisdom behind the fact that what I did in the past didn't work and I would be foolish if I repeated the same mistakes and expected a different someone said in another blog...SSDD = same shit different day.

I do have choices - I choose peace and love.