Thursday, July 12, 2012

Life's eternal cycle

Where does it begin - where does it end? Life is forever evolving and I'm learning to go with the flow.

On the upside - I will become a grandmother tomorrow and I never imagined in my wildest dreams to be able to already feel love for this little guy that I have yet to meet. I am especially looking forward to see my son's eyes as he looks on his own son....he will now experience how it feels to be a parent and how that love is unparalleled to any other.

On the ongoing side....up and down the roller coaster of the ism of addiction for my younger son....he was making good stride with good behaviors and had been moved to a work release center. He had found a job that he was happy about and good at - only to jeopardize it all by shoplifting on his way to work. What was he thinking.....or should I say not thinking! I would think that if I was serving time for stealing - that would be an experience that I would not want to just doesn't make sense to me.

I've read much about the subject of inmates becoming 'used' to being incarcerated.....with no decisions to make, no responsibilities of getting a job, keeping a job, making ends meets while balancing a budget - staying out of harms way etc etc....that i think the more they become a repeat offender the more difficult it becomes for them to have success on the outside as it just becomes easier to be confined within those walls, have a regimented schedule and not having to worry where your next meal is coming from and where you will sleep at night.....with plenty of time within that environment, it eventually becomes their 'normal'.

It is heartbreaking to think that my son's adult life has already had 2 bouts of prison time and he's only 26. It feels harsh too that I need to stay detached from this situation and to let him figure it all out when he is released. I've been down the road of picking him up and setting him up one time too many and now he'll have to find his own way. I am seeing the wisdom behind the fact that what I did in the past didn't work and I would be foolish if I repeated the same mistakes and expected a different someone said in another blog...SSDD = same shit different day.

I do have choices - I choose peace and love.

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