Perception

Got a nice letter this morning from my son. It certainly gave me an itch to share.
It's amazing that even though he is in prison at the moment and has been for more months than I care to count, how thankful he can be and it awes me that he is able to see the positive in his situation. I am happy and it warms my heart to read this in his letters.
He was vague but succinct in expressing that he has many good things happening right now and that they will all connect at some point and he looks forward to sharing them with us when we talk next.
Well....my thoughts right away takes me to what I would like to hear about his positive news....things such as.....I plan on going to a l/t treatment or 1/2 way house when I am released and go forward, turn my life around. These thoughts and hearing those words would surely make me happy and would also alleviate some of the tremors that I feel when I wonder what he will do when that time comes. At the same time and as a result of me working my program....I realize that my thoughts and my dreams have nothing to do with my son's thoughts and dreams.....and that I need to remember that. His positive news may have nothing to do with what he will do when he is released .
Darn, being codependent and caring for an addicted loved one is no walk in the park.....but nevertheless....I am glad that he is feeling joy and sharing it.

Today - another layer

I haven't been writing lately as there wasn't much going on.....lots of little things which kept me busy and generally on a happy plane.

Then, the things that usually causes me to reflect deeper and that makes me feel raw emotions resurfaced. It seems not to matter how far along into my program I am because time and time again I am reminded that I am human with feelings to face, situations to cope with and solutions which are not always mine to figure out.....hence searching for the wisdom to know, well....not really to know but rather to accept the unacceptable.

My son had been doing well in his work release center and was progressing forward and I found myself holding on to that appearance of him moving in the right direction. Out of the blue, he was assaulted by another and ended up being sent to a 'reception' center where they held him in confinement until their investigation was satisfactory.

He ended up spending a month there and his classification officer assured him that he would return to a work release center when it was all clear. On Friday two buses came to his unit - one heading to a w.r.center and the other to a prison....he shared with us how depressed he was when they made him board the bus heading to the prison facility. He called us later that night and he wanted us to come for a visit to help boost his moral.

I talked with my husband and we decided to make the trip. And today was the day. As usual, it left me feeling numb.....I don't know how many jail/prison/work camp/ work release center that I have visited so far as I've lost count and don't care to sit down to figure it out either....but every time that I go there - I hate, hate, hate, to be within that environment. 

I can usually go about my days - carrying on with my life and keep busy and find joy in many things that I do on a daily basis - however this is the one wound that seems to reopen when I am visiting....the reality that his life as an adult has been mostly spent behind bars. Today was hard too....listening to the threats that he encounters in this particular facility as well as the sexual advances that he is getting and to be surrounded by the people who have committed crimes which have earned them 25+ years.

I am not that naive and do realize that people do time for crimes that they have committed and my son is suffering the natural consequences of his actions - time and time again.....and today I ache for the son whom I dreamed of while he was growing up to become a healthy and successful man.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will make it....another layer at a time.

Leap Day

Ha! Such an appropriate day and/or title, as it has been a while since I came over here and sat down to write. I've had issues trying to figure out how to keep this blog following the opening of my gmail account and merge the two, however it frustrated me enough to stay away.....for whatever reason....today I felt the need to write and made my way over without much fuss or fanfare. "Where there's a will, there's a way"! Actually, I think it's more in the way of "If it's meant to be it will happen".

Anyhoo....it's true that I didn't have much to write about but now some things are in the back of my mind and of course that itty bitty shitty committee is having it's own meeting even when I close that door and go to other rooms and try to shift the focus.

It bothers me - the not knowing part, though not as much as it used to - and that's a good thing.

I've received notice over the weekend  that my son has been moved/removed from his w.r. center. So it didn't take me long to form speculations ......
1. He messed up and broke the rules and since this place was a 'no second' chance place - he lost his privileges and all the opportunities that had been put forth before him.
2. He lossed his newly acquired job - a requirement of living within that facility. He loved that job and found it challenging and interesting - though since he called me 4 times while on company time - I'm thinking they didn't like that very much. Heck....I certainly could understand this because as an employer I've instructed my employees that when they came to work it was to work and not to keep up with social life on my time block. Since he called home 4 times - I can imagine that he was calling others as well.

The rules don't seem to apply to him - he disregard them as if it's a joke and/or it doesn't matter....yet, time and time again - he gets caught for breaking them. I feel that when he's truly and honestly ready for a change then he'll do things differently.....in the mean time.....he gets to experience the natural consequences of his actions.

Then yesterday, out of the blue, I get a link from one of my friend....asking me if I had heard of the article she was sharing with me. The article stated that the w.r.center that my son had been at was due to close at the end of March because of lack of funding. Ummm.....so, I'm thinking......did I jump the gun here again with my assumptions of negative actions??  Perhaps the facility is slowly releasing it's members into the reception unit and they will be relocated elsewhere.

Another lesson for me in this.....and that is to remember that "no news is no news" and just to go with the flow. More is always revealed and I need to keep my "Helping" reading in the forefront.....first and foremost. "I will have no thought for the future actions of others, neither expecting them to be better or worse as time goes on, for in such expectations I am really trying to create. I will love and let be. All people are always changing. If I try to judge them, I do so only on what I think I know of them, failing to realize that there is much I do not know. I will give others credit for attempts at progress and for having had many victories which are unknown. I, too, am always changing, and I can make that change a constructive one, if I am willing. I can change myself. Others, I can only love."

Thinking like a butterfly

Monday I was told I was good.
I felt relieved.
Tuesday I was ignored.
I felt invisible.
Wednesday I was snapped at.
I began to doubt myself.
On Thursday I was rejected.
Now I was afraid.
On Saturday I was thanked
for being me. My soul relaxed.
On Sunday I was left alone
till the part of me that can’t
be influenced grew tired of
submitting and resisting.
Monday I was told I was good.
By Tuesday I got off the wheel.
by Mark Nepo

Snow patches in the Keys

Well, it just looks like snow patches, it's actually limestone which is now quite visible after the control burn that took place earlier last year.....which turned out to be an out of control burn, but that's another story.

Gentle connection and trust.

Happy New Year!

So, another year has come and gone. I don't often realize how much actually transpires and how things unfold until I look back and take notice.
Just the other day I was looking for a photo in my digital camera and as I scrolled through the past few months of this past year, I realized how many places that I had been to and how many friends that I was able to connect with. It was a  great aha moments and an opportunity to express gratitude.
Now another year is here and I look forward to all the little surprises that it has in store for me.
Not only is it a new calendar year with many agendas for me already in place but also many new beginnings taking place in my immediate family and I rejoice in that.
My oldest son and his wife are expecting their first baby and I am thrilled for them and this new experience to go through.
My mother has finally been placed in the assisted living location that she has been waiting and hoping for, for the past 6 months.
My youngest son has been granted a privilege of being in a theraputic facility while he finishes his prison term. This is a great opportunity for him and I hope that he uses it for it's intent and purposes and will get to experience a healthy growth as a result. It's up to him to make it work for him and for his sake, I hope that he does.
I feel really good and I'm happy for the current set of events.....I am grateful.