It's a beautiful thing....so many blessings today!
My oldest son has taken his dad to a baseball game.....I know it may sound a bit corny as many dads and sons have had those opportunities while growing up but for my family, this is actually a first. I know that my husband was really excited over this because he's had this date written down on the table for the past month as a reminder. This happens to be a belated birthday/father's day present from our oldest son and I am really happy for the two of them.....being together tonight and sitting in Tampa watching the Yankees play.....I've even been watching the game on and off to see if I catch a glimpse of them.
My other blessing today was to hear that my youngest son has been transferred to another facility....a move that he's been anticipating. After looking at the location through a google search, I am happy to see the opportunities for my son to better his education and even learn a new trade if he so desires. There are also some religious programs and active counseling and studies. Within the facilities are some P.R.I.D.E. assignments as well. All of these programs were not available in the facility that my son had previously been transferred to....and because of the beating that my son was subject to and the investigation that followed....is the reason for his transfer to this new location. All in all....I see HP's will through this all and opened doors for my son even if the trek along the way was a difficult one.
It is my hopes that my son uses his time wisely and that he grabs these opportunities to grow and apply himself for a better tomorrow.
Today I am glad that both of my sons are experiencing 'firsts' and even though there are world of differences between the two....I still enjoy the 'gifts' within.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Tough Love
I just read another blogger's words on tough love and I just wanted to share what is in one of my literature pamphlet from FA about this subject.
"Tough Love" is a term associated with FA and other Twelve-Step programs. It also relates to the idea of detachment. It refers to a way of relating to the abuser. On the surface the combination of the words tough and love appears contradictory. We are likely to think of love as always soft and tender. That's exactly the problem for many families of abusers. Their tendency to be soft and tender is frequently manipulated by the abuser in selfish and hurtful ways. Their tender, warm love can become bitter. Resentment and rage may develop. Under the conditions that drug abuse creates, love is still needed but it must be "tough love." Tough love is love that does not hurt the drug abuser. It may make them angry, but it does not hurt them by indulging them in what they want but cannot handle.
Tough love means affirm and encouraging every positive effort the abuser makes. It also means refusing to be the servant of their self-destructive whims. It is strong enough to resist our acting out of guilt or our tendency to rescue. Tough love is not vindictive, but has the ability to say "no".
(from Families in Crisis - How Families Anonymous can help #1024)
"Tough Love" is a term associated with FA and other Twelve-Step programs. It also relates to the idea of detachment. It refers to a way of relating to the abuser. On the surface the combination of the words tough and love appears contradictory. We are likely to think of love as always soft and tender. That's exactly the problem for many families of abusers. Their tendency to be soft and tender is frequently manipulated by the abuser in selfish and hurtful ways. Their tender, warm love can become bitter. Resentment and rage may develop. Under the conditions that drug abuse creates, love is still needed but it must be "tough love." Tough love is love that does not hurt the drug abuser. It may make them angry, but it does not hurt them by indulging them in what they want but cannot handle.
Tough love means affirm and encouraging every positive effort the abuser makes. It also means refusing to be the servant of their self-destructive whims. It is strong enough to resist our acting out of guilt or our tendency to rescue. Tough love is not vindictive, but has the ability to say "no".
(from Families in Crisis - How Families Anonymous can help #1024)
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
The 4 c's
There has been some interesting reading material from other 'recovery' bloggers about addiction. Of course there are lot of emotions and opinions flying about and that is normal since we all have different backgrounds and experiences as well as beliefs or non beliefs.
There were some words that had me itching the wrong way as well and it made me reflect.
Someone....and I don't know who it was and it doesn't really matter....said that it was our responsibility as parents to provide the means to facilities to assist with recovery.
Since I am a parent and always will be....these words when first read make me feel that it's my responsibility but then I sit and contemplate my thoughts. I am sad that my son's addiction did not manifest before he became an adult. I am sad that I cannot afford a long term treatment to him at this point. I am sad that I cannot "fix" him.
Those 4 'c' describe pretty much what I feel....I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it.....and now what I do is that I do not contribute to his addiction.
My small consolation is that there are facilities out there for my son if he wants recovery. He has to want it from the bottom of his gut in order to succeed and make it one day at a time. He needs to use the tools and stay away from people, places and things.....but most importantly he needs to become humble and recognize that he can't do it alone and he has to reach out to a power greater than himself and reach out to others ....the ones who have made it into sobriety. Me...paying for a long term or short term facility would not bring about the 'will' to seek sobriety and to stay sober.
I can't fix or change my son......I can change myself and my reactions and others I can only love and I pray for acceptance of the things that I cannot change.
There were some words that had me itching the wrong way as well and it made me reflect.
Someone....and I don't know who it was and it doesn't really matter....said that it was our responsibility as parents to provide the means to facilities to assist with recovery.
Since I am a parent and always will be....these words when first read make me feel that it's my responsibility but then I sit and contemplate my thoughts. I am sad that my son's addiction did not manifest before he became an adult. I am sad that I cannot afford a long term treatment to him at this point. I am sad that I cannot "fix" him.
Those 4 'c' describe pretty much what I feel....I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it.....and now what I do is that I do not contribute to his addiction.
My small consolation is that there are facilities out there for my son if he wants recovery. He has to want it from the bottom of his gut in order to succeed and make it one day at a time. He needs to use the tools and stay away from people, places and things.....but most importantly he needs to become humble and recognize that he can't do it alone and he has to reach out to a power greater than himself and reach out to others ....the ones who have made it into sobriety. Me...paying for a long term or short term facility would not bring about the 'will' to seek sobriety and to stay sober.
I can't fix or change my son......I can change myself and my reactions and others I can only love and I pray for acceptance of the things that I cannot change.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Visiting hours
Yesterday...an opportunity to see and hug my son for the first time this year. It was good to see him. His eyes were clear and his complexion was glowing. I had expected to see him emaciated with all the weight that he had said he lost and somewhat thinking that he might looked bruised and abused because of the past allegations. Turns out....time has passed and wounds have healed and more food has been consumed.
We had good, interesting conversations and the time did pass relatively quickly.....something that I wonder about at times because we don't always connect in comfortable ways.
The biggest change that i saw in him this time was his maturity....he no longer looks like my boy and he's definitely a man now. Also, the last time that I had visited him in a prison setting.....back in 2008....he still looked innocent and seemed to need protection. Back then I could see the fear of him being there and I saw a broken down boy....but much time and experiences have occurred since that time and he definitely does not look innocent anymore and if he is experiencing fear, it doesn't show.
Just before we left, he found the time to ask for money to be put in his commissary. I explained that my boundaries does not allow me to provide him with money but that Christmas was not that far away and he can look forward to a bit of money then. He seemed to accept that and resigned to go without. I, on the other hand, felt pretty good about being able to say no without feeling the usual pangs that would grab me in the past and I have no regret for saying no either.
All in all the personal connections were warm and inviting.....the facility on the other hand could use some help. I hate the fact that when I go there, I have to go through a rigorous patting down search, go through a metal detector and finger prints verified....all along waiting in lines in less than acceptable 'waiting room'. The bathroom was a joke....with opened doors sans locks, no papers in all of the stalls, no hot water for washing hands and no paper nor air for drying hands.....though the place smelled like bleach.....go figure.
It was our first time at that particular facility and the usual requirements as to what you are allowed to bring in are the same....a key for the car, a photo i-d card and no more than 50.00 in cash. At first I wondered who would spend that much money while visiting an inmate....then I got my answer. It turned out that we were there at lunch time and they supply ready made sandwiches (from Ohio!) LOL and several snacks, water, soda, candy, chips etc.....I couldn't believe how much my son could consumed while we were there...most of these items are not provided for food consumptions but are available if you have money in the commissary. Oh well, he got his fill for the time being.
He anticipates being moved to another facility....so we'll get to find out about yet another one, hopefully it will be a bit closer to our home as the 6 hours drive was a drain and when we returned we were exhausted.
So for now, we'll continue to exchange letters and accept his collect call once a week. More will be revealed.
We had good, interesting conversations and the time did pass relatively quickly.....something that I wonder about at times because we don't always connect in comfortable ways.
The biggest change that i saw in him this time was his maturity....he no longer looks like my boy and he's definitely a man now. Also, the last time that I had visited him in a prison setting.....back in 2008....he still looked innocent and seemed to need protection. Back then I could see the fear of him being there and I saw a broken down boy....but much time and experiences have occurred since that time and he definitely does not look innocent anymore and if he is experiencing fear, it doesn't show.
Just before we left, he found the time to ask for money to be put in his commissary. I explained that my boundaries does not allow me to provide him with money but that Christmas was not that far away and he can look forward to a bit of money then. He seemed to accept that and resigned to go without. I, on the other hand, felt pretty good about being able to say no without feeling the usual pangs that would grab me in the past and I have no regret for saying no either.
All in all the personal connections were warm and inviting.....the facility on the other hand could use some help. I hate the fact that when I go there, I have to go through a rigorous patting down search, go through a metal detector and finger prints verified....all along waiting in lines in less than acceptable 'waiting room'. The bathroom was a joke....with opened doors sans locks, no papers in all of the stalls, no hot water for washing hands and no paper nor air for drying hands.....though the place smelled like bleach.....go figure.
It was our first time at that particular facility and the usual requirements as to what you are allowed to bring in are the same....a key for the car, a photo i-d card and no more than 50.00 in cash. At first I wondered who would spend that much money while visiting an inmate....then I got my answer. It turned out that we were there at lunch time and they supply ready made sandwiches (from Ohio!) LOL and several snacks, water, soda, candy, chips etc.....I couldn't believe how much my son could consumed while we were there...most of these items are not provided for food consumptions but are available if you have money in the commissary. Oh well, he got his fill for the time being.
He anticipates being moved to another facility....so we'll get to find out about yet another one, hopefully it will be a bit closer to our home as the 6 hours drive was a drain and when we returned we were exhausted.
So for now, we'll continue to exchange letters and accept his collect call once a week. More will be revealed.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Letting go of worry
Letting Go of Worry
What if we knew for certain that everything we're worried about today will work out fine?
What if . . . we had a guarantee that the problem bothering us would be worked out in the most perfect way, and at the best possible time? Furthermore, what if we knew that three years from now we'd be grateful for that problem, and its solution?
What if . . . we knew that even our worst fear would work out for the best?
What if . . . we had a guarantee that everything that's happening, and has happened, in our life was meant to be, planned just for us, and in our best interest?
What if . . . we had a guarantee that the people we love are experiencing exactly what they need in order to become who they're intended to become? Further, what if we had a guarantee that others can be responsible for themselves, and we don't have to control or take responsibility for them?
What if . . . we knew the future was going to be good, and we would have an abundance of resources and guidance to handle whatever comes our way?
What if . . . we knew everything was okay, and we didn't have to worry about a thing? What would we do then?
We'd be free to let go and enjoy life.
Today, I will know that I don't have to worry about anything. If I do worry, I will do it with the understanding that I am choosing to worry, and it is not necessary.
by Melody Beattie from The language of Letting Go
What if we knew for certain that everything we're worried about today will work out fine?
What if . . . we had a guarantee that the problem bothering us would be worked out in the most perfect way, and at the best possible time? Furthermore, what if we knew that three years from now we'd be grateful for that problem, and its solution?
What if . . . we knew that even our worst fear would work out for the best?
What if . . . we had a guarantee that everything that's happening, and has happened, in our life was meant to be, planned just for us, and in our best interest?
What if . . . we had a guarantee that the people we love are experiencing exactly what they need in order to become who they're intended to become? Further, what if we had a guarantee that others can be responsible for themselves, and we don't have to control or take responsibility for them?
What if . . . we knew the future was going to be good, and we would have an abundance of resources and guidance to handle whatever comes our way?
What if . . . we knew everything was okay, and we didn't have to worry about a thing? What would we do then?
We'd be free to let go and enjoy life.
Today, I will know that I don't have to worry about anything. If I do worry, I will do it with the understanding that I am choosing to worry, and it is not necessary.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Bleeding hearts
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